Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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