My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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