I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
