the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
