You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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