I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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