Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
