After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
