i'm signing you up for texting rehab
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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