I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
