thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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