Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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