I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
