I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
