Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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