Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
