Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
