Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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