apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
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Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
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Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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