So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
