Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
