Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.