I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
