i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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