I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
