I showed him my bush... on skype.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
