Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
