If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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