forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
