True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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