I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
