I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
