And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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