i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
