Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
