he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
