After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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