im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
