Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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