I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
