i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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