my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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