remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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