Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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