this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
