you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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