Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
