Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
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