Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
i out mim tonsoeep
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