OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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