It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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