i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
