God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
