well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
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