So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
