So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
