Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
