TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
