if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Randomize
