the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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