So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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