You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
